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Information Technology Humor:

Posted 11/08/2005 by Shelby Meyer
A how was I born?

DADDY! HOW WAS I BORN?" Junior asks his dad,
 His dad, who is a software engineer sighs and replies:
 "Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!"
 "Well, your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on YAHOO.

 Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom  and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded
 room, where your mother agreed to a download from my  hard drive.

 As soon as I was ready to upload, we  discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall,  but it was too late to hit the delete button."

"Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized  program activity from a self extracting file which had  implanted itself in her BIOS.

Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said:
 'You've Got Male'!"

Posted 09/27/2005 by Shelby Meyer
Announcement from Microsoft

In a surprise announcement today, Microsoft President Steve Ballmer revealed that the Redmond-based company will allow computer resellers and end-users to customize the appearance of the Blue Screen of Death (BSOD), the screen that displays when the Windows operating system crashes. The move comes as the result of numerous focus groups and customer surveys done by Microsoft. Thousands of Microsoft customers were asked, "What do you spend the most time doing on your computer?" A surprising number of respondents said, "Staring at a Blue Screen of Death." At 54 percent, it was the top answer, beating the second place answer "Downloading XXX Scans" by an easy 12 points. "We immediately recognized this as a great opportunity for ourselves, our channel partners, and especially our customers," explained the excited Ballmer to a room full of reporters. Immense video displays were used to show images of the new customizable BSOD screen side-by-side with the older static version. Users can select from a collection of "BSOD Themes," allowing them to instead have a Mauve Screen of Death or even a Paisley Screen of Death. Graphics and multimedia content can now be incorporated into the screen, making the BSOD the perfect conduit for delivering product information and entertainment to Windows users. The BSOD is by far the most recognized feature of the Windows operating system, and as a result, Microsoft has historically insisted on total control over its look and feel. This recent departure from that policy reflects Microsoft's recognition of the Windows desktop itself as the "ultimate information portal." By default, the new BSOD will be configured to show a random selection of Microsoft product information whenever the system crashes. Microsoft channel partners can negotiate with Microsoft for the right to customize the BSOD on systems they ship. Major computer resellers such as Compaq, Gateway, and Dell are already lining up for premier placement on the new and improved BSOD. Ballmer concluded by getting a dig in against the Open Source community. "This just goes to show that Microsoft continues to innovate at a much faster pace than open source. I have yet to see any evidence that Linux even has a BSOD, let alone a customizable one."


Posted 09/27/2005 by Shelby Meyer
Things you don't want to hear from tech support

  • "Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"
  • "That's right, not even McGyver could fix it."
  • "So -- what are you wearing?"
  • "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"
  • "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap'n."
  • "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC."
  • "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery."
  • "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."
  • "Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"
  • "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."
  • "Your call will be answered in 30 minutes...."
  • "Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney."
  • "It looks like a PEBKAC error."  (Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair)

Posted 09/27/2005 by Shelby Meyer
If Microsoft Built Cars

  • A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until after that year instead of before it.
  • Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
  • Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this.
  • You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car 95 or a Car NT. But then you'd have to buy more seats.
  • Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was powered by the sun, twice as reliable, and five times as fast - but it would only run on 5 percent of the roads.
  • The oil, engine, gas, and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
  • People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for years.
  • We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas.
  • The U.S. government would be GETTING subsidies from an automaker, instead of giving them.
  • New seats would force everyone to have the same-size butt.

Posted 09/27/2005 by Shelby Meyer
Customer Detailed Price List


  • Calling me with a question $10.00
  • Calling me with a stupid question $20.00
  • Calling me with a stupid question that you can't quite articulate $30.00
  • Implying that I am incompetent because I can't interpret your inarticulate problem description $1000+punitive damages
  • Calling me with a question about software I didn't write $50.00
  • Questions received via phone without first trying the software vendor's help desk $10.00
  • Questions where the answer is in the manual or help file $25.00
  • Telling you how to access the Help file $50.00
  • Having to walk you through fixing a program by actually reading the Help file to you. $100.00
  • Calling me back with the same problem *after* I fix it once $100.00
  • Insisting that you're not doing anything wrong, the problem is on my end somehow $200.00
  • Asking me to walk over to your desk to fix the problem $5/step
  • Asking me to drive to another town to fix your problem $50/mile+gas
  • If you interrupt me while I was reading news $25/hr
  • If you interrupt me while I was playing a game $35/hr
  • If you interrupt me while I was trying to fix somebody else's problem $45/hr
  • If you try to hang around and get me to fix it NOW $50/hr
  • If you expect me to tell you how I fixed it $60/hr
  • If you expect me to show you how I fixed it $100/hr
  • If you expect me to explain what I just showed you $300/hr
  • If you've come to ask me why something isn't working that I'm currently working on $70/hr
  • If you're asking me to fix something I fixed for you yesterday $75/hr
  • If you're asking me to fix something I told you I fixed yesterday, but never did fix $85/hr
  • If you're asking me to fix a quick patch that I made that didn't work $95/hr
  • If you're asking me to fix something that I previously patched temporarily and told you to have repaired by the product vendor, but you never did $150/hour
  • If you call me while there's another person in the room who could have done it for you $150/hr
  • Making me trek to your office to fix your problem and not being there when I arrive $1500.00
  • Calling up with a problem which "everybody" in the office is having and which is "stopping all work." Not being there when I rush over to look at it and nobody else in the office knows anything about it. $2000.00
  • Explaining a problem for 1/2 hour over the phone BEFORE mentioning it's your personal machine at home $500.00
  • Self-diagnosing your problem and informing me what to do $300.00
  • Asking me why something will cost so much or take so long because "It can't be that difficult." $25 and you can fix it yourself.
  • If you attempt to fix something yourself, and cause a bigger problem $150/hr to fix the original problem + $300/hr to fix each new problem you created
  • Having me bail you out when you perform your own repairs I told you not to do $300.00/hr
  • Not telling all of your co-workers about it $850.00
  • Explaining that you can't log in to some server because you don't have an account there $10.00
  • Explaining that you don't have an account on the machine you used to have an account on because you used it to try to break into the above server $500.00
  • Forgetting a password I told you to remember $25.00
  • Forgetting your password after I wrote it down for you $50.00
  • Asking me for a password I didn't create for you, on a system I don't have any control over $50.00
  • If I actually figure out your password on a system I don't have any control over because you use the same password for everything. $150.00
  • Each time you make a call that begins "I was trying to do something on my computer when ..." $150 to fix the problem + $150 /hr to clean up after you.
  • Installing programs without informing me /getting permission first $100 per program
  • If I don't approve of the installed programs $250/each
  • If I have to remove the installed programs and repair any damage caused by their installation $150/hr
  • Technical support for the above programs $150 per hour (regardless of whether I know the program or not)
  • Leaving files on the desktop $5 per file + $10 per day that the file is left unclaimed
  • Bringing in your own copy of the original Norton Utilities v1.0 to fix a brand new machine $200.00
  • Setting a cup of coffee on the CPU tower $50.00
  • Placing anything next to the CPU's cooling vents that obstructs the flow of air $75.00
  • If you've gotten an error message on your screen that tells you what the problem is and how to fix it, but you call me anyway $150.00
  • If you don't tell me about the error message $200.00
  • If I ask you what you were doing when the problem first started and you say "nothing". $50.00
  • Each additional time I have to ask $75.00
  • Having to point out any instructions that are posted on the wall in a typeface larger than 18 points $15.00
  • If I wrote the sign $45.00
  • If it's in a 144 point font and taped to the side of the monitor facing the door $75.00
  • Reporting a problem caused by the use of old software that you refuse to upgrade $25.00
  • Reporting it more than once $50.00
  • Reporting it more than once and implying slothfulness on tech support's inability to solve the problem $200.00
  • Asking me where your file is because you didn't pay attention to where you were saving it. $20.00
  • If you claim to have a problem that I can't reproduce following the steps you said caused the problem $50.00
  • If I have to reinstall the Operating System because you deleted system files while trying to "free up space" on your hard drive $150/hr
  • If I have to remove a virus you downloaded $100.00
  • If you send me a virus by email $300.00
  • If it executes before I catch it $500 + $150/hr to fix my own computer
  • If you send me an email asking for my opinion on a product or software I haven't used $25.00
  • If you send me an email asking my opinion on a product or software I have already recommended $50.00
  • If you send me chain letters, SPAM, jokes, or other email that you've mass mailed to everyone in your address book $100.00
  • If you put my name in the TO or CC fields so that everyone else on the list can see it $500.00
  • If anyone else on the list ever sends me chain letters or SPAM in the future $1000 per email
  • Working on a computer in which you have installed pirated software $500.00 per pirated program in order for me to keep quiet

"Hardware Problem" Prices

  • Figuring out you mean floppy drive when you say hard drive BEFORE I order you a replacement hard drive $50.00
  • Figuring it out AFTER I order your replacement hard drive $50.00 + cost of hard drive
  • Telling me that you don't have a hard drive, you just save things "to the computer". $50.00
  • Spending 15 minutes to find out the size of your hard drive (includes walking you through the process) $100.00
  • Explaining the difference between storage space and memory. Free the first five times. $150 each time thereafter.
  • Fixing your "broken" mouse by putting a mouse pad under it $25.00
  • Fixing your "broken" optical mouse by rotating the mouse pad 90 degrees $35.00
  • Fixing your "broken" optical mouse by taking off the post-it note someone has put on the bottom. $50.00
  • Fixing a "broken" mouse by cleaning the rollers $50.00
  • Fixing your "broken" printer with an ink/toner cartridge $35.00 + cost of ink/toner cartridge
  • Fixing your wireless ANYTHING by replacing the batteries $150 + cost of batteries
  • Fixing your "broken" ANYTHING by plugging a cable back in $200.00
  • Fixing your "broken" ANYTHING by pressing the power button $250.00
  • Spilling coke on keyboard $25 plus cost of keyboard
  • Spilling coke on monitor $50 plus cost of monitor
  • Spilling coke on CPU $200 plus cost of motherboard swap plus hourly rate of $150 per hour spent reinstalling the system
  • Chewing on the end of the graphic tablet stylus $25 + cost of stylus
  • Surgically removing a floppy from the ZIP drive $25 + plus cost to replace damaged ZIP drive

Beeper Prices

  • Beeping me after hours, on weekends, or holidays $25.00
  • Beeping me when I'm on a date $50.00
  • Beeping me when I'm out of town and I took pains to insure that help files were left all over and that diagnostics had been run on all machines before I left $100.00
  • Beeping me more than once to tell me that the printer's offline and the fix is to press the On Line button $200.00
  • Beeping me more than once while I'm asleep $50 per beep
  • Beeping me and not identifying yourself within the first 5 seconds $25.00

Special Rates

  • Dealing with user not familiar with my primary language $50.00/hr
  • Dealing with someone who is (self-proclaimed) smarter than me, but still calls every other day for help $100.00/hr
  • Dealing with someone who insists they could fix it themselves, but they just don't have the time. $150.00/hr
  • Dealing with someone who calls me to fix a problem because their "real" system administrator has gone on vacation $250.00/hr
  • Questioning anything I do $10.00
  • Suggesting a better way to do something $25.00
  • Questioning the other prices $50.00

Web Development Rates

  • Coming up with a design concept $50.00/hr
  • Waiting more than 48 hours for an approval on anything I submit, or for information I requested from you. $150.00/day (I have other clients, you know)
  • Having to write your copy because you can't/won't provide it for me $65.00/hr researching your industry + $35.00/hr writing the copy
  • Having to retype your copy because you faxed it or sent it in a way in which I can't cut and paste it, such as a scan or other non-selectable text format $35.00/hr
  • Having to proof-read or edit copy you submitted to me $35.00/hr
  • If you do not ask me to proof-read your copy and I publish it on the site exactly as it was given to me, and you then find mistakes you want corrected. $30.00/minimum + $5.00/mistake
  • Flash animation $65.00/hr
  • Flash Scripting $85.00/hr
  • Having to explain the difference between animation and scripting $150.00
  • Asking me to edit a Flash movie that someone else made which you do not have the FLA file to $300.00 + the cost of a new movie
  • XHTML, XML, CSS, JavaScripting $65.00/hr
  • Application programming (php, asp, coldfusion, jsp) $85.00/hr
  • Database Administration $85.00/hr
  • Having to explain to you that web servers don't have the innate ability to process credit cards and that you'll need a merchant account. $150.00
  • Having to upload your site through a third party control panel because your $4.99/month host doesn't give you FTP access. $5.00/file

Posted 09/27/2005 by Shelby Meyer

  • There are 10 types of techs: those who understand binary, and those who don't.
  • C:\DOS








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